You’d better watch out - the zombies are coming to town

Melbourne Herald Sun, Friday December 24, 2010

Here it is, Christmas Eve and as you put this paper down and step out into the street you’ll see crowds of wild-eyed zombies swarming through the City and strips and shopping malls.

In true zombie fashion they’ll brush past you with unseeing eyes, focussed on the distance and infused with panic. A disproportionate number of them will be men. They are the swarm of the Christmas Eve last-minute pressy panic.

They each clutch their gift list of relatives, children and colleagues which has been sitting in their pocket for a month but always overlooked because they were too busy and “There’ll always be time for that later when I’ve got a minute”.

Well later is now and the minute is gone.

If you are a retailer you will be well aware of this phenomenon and will await these buzzing souls like a spider in a web.

You put us signs saying “Pre Christmas sale” or “Gift-wrapping while you wait” and drag to the front all the tatty stock you know will be a problem to sell in the new year.

The easy to sell gifts have already long gone. Like the Zhu Zhu.

You haven’t heard of a Zhu Zhu? Then you obviously don’t have a small child. Because this Christmas it’s the gift that everyone wants - a plastic guinea pig that, as the advertising says, “won’t poop, die or stink”.

They come in 36 different styles and colours, making them collectibles - and of course every kid wants a set. Not to mention accessory beds, castles and even burger barns.

The name is Chinese for “little pig” and the toys are made in China - though it is an American company belonging to Russ Hornsby in St Louis, Missouri.

The other thing that happens at Christmas is breakdown. If the weather is hot it will be the air conditioning or the fridge. If it’s wet the spouting will finally crack. And if you’re motoring, your engine will blow up.

Then you have the fun of finding a tradesman on Christmas Day. After the first 20 tell you they can come in mid-January you find one who is willing to come out - so long as you have ample room left on your credit card account.

Even if you were smart enough to miss the last-minute gift rush, there are always more tasks rearing up.

How is it only now, hours before the guests arrive, that you notice how dirty the windows are? Or when you drag out the tableware you realise the tablecloth was not washed in the rush after last year’s dinner?

Now to prepare for Christmas dinner. Will your cousins be able to make it here on time? Better get some extra food just in case.

And that turkey’s looking smaller than it did in the shop - just in case we’d better bring in more stocks. So you dash out (or are sent out by a harried spouse) to find the extra food that will be needed to stop the guests from starving.

You fight your way through rioting supermarkets hunting for the items on your list, visiting three stores until you find the right items. Of course, next day half the guests will turn up from someone else’s party, well sozzled and stuffed, and hardly touch the food you’re prepared.

Ah what joy to the world! At least you can be grateful that you live in a relatively benign climate, and are not stuck sleeping on plastic chairs in London Airport.

So Merry Christmas to all my readers - stay safe, have fun.

Ray